I’m Pregnant But…
I’m pregnant but I’m depressed. I know it’s wrong and it’s frowned upon because how can you be depressed when you are so blessed? Please don’t get me wrong – This is not to dismiss the miracle of pregnancy but to address a very real condition. While it seems like postnatal depression is widely accepted and talked about it occurred to me that prenatal depression is frowned upon and most women keep quiet about it.
There is the expectation that a woman’s experience of pregnancy should always be joyous, but the truth is that pregnant women often put emotional and mental pressure on themselves to feel happy all the time.
I’m in the middle of it right now and it’s hard. It’s so damn hard.
Feeling Anxious…
It was a slow downward spiral for me since the first moment I realised I was pregnant. I was overwhelmed with fear, not joy because I could not imagine that I have to go through hyperemesis graviderum (extreme nausea) again. Read my previous blogpost about this crippling disease.
And the worst part? I tried. I really tried. I try every single day to be positive. To stop the constant worrying. To not be anxious. But it’s like an uncontrollable wave bursting over me and I’m drowning. I cannot control it. Nothing is funny anymore, I avoid my friends, I dread each day.
I cry a lot – out of desperation, fear, when I vomit, when I lie down, when I try to explain these feelings to those close to me.
Admitting The Truth…
It’s not something I’m proud of but it happened. And it happened to me. Bubbly, happy go lucky Helene. It just did. I got sucked in a big black hole and I miss my life. I look at photographs where I’m healthy and happy and I long for those days.
One morning I woke up with unbearable ear pain, a pain that shot down to my throat. I went to the doctor, thinking it’s an ear infection, but he surprised me by asking (out of the blue): “Are you very anxious about something?” Needless to say his kind tone was all I needed to spill the beans and I told him everything about my fear for nausea, my anxiety attacks, how I cannot enjoy this pregnancy because I’m constantly paralysed with fear. He just sat there, listened and then he said: “I would never wish HG on any of my patients. It’s a horrible, crippling disease. But the reason for your ear pain is because you are so stressed out. We need to find you help and you need to find a way to cope and maybe even start to enjoy your pregnancy.”
The Turning Point…
That visit was the turning point. My body was literally getting sick, because of the constant angst and fear. I realised then that I needed help and that I could not go on like this anymore.
After speaking to my gynea, we decided that I need to take a mild anti-depressant amongst other lifestyle changes (eat better, exercise more) and I’m not sharing this to promote anti-depressants during your pregnancy! I’m just sharing my story, because I’m sure that somewhere there’s maybe someone who’s feeling the same desperate feelings.
You Are Not Alone…
It’s such a cliché but you really are not alone: One in ten woman is suffering with the condition during some point in their pregnancy. At a time when everyone expect you to be glowing, I was down in the dumps and couldn’t’ deal with the stress and anxiety by myself anymore, my brain checked out.
The Way Forward…
I still have a long way to go, but I’m already seeing light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Thanks to my Mom, who had to console me endless times, my doctor Dad who puts me on IV drips to stop the nausea and of course my patient hubby, who just wants me to get back to my old self. My lovely little baby girl, suddenly so grown up, who just wants her Mommy to get better to play and laugh with her again.
I’m not there yet… but I’m on my way and for now that’s enough for me.
*’If you feel down at least every other day for a couple of weeks, see your GP to rule out pregnancy depression. Your GP will be able to diagnose your symptoms, and help you get the support you need.
Until next time…
Helene
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Thanks for sharing your story. I’m learning even from my friends that pregnancy and motherhood isn’t an easy road and one needs all the support they can get…
Thanks for taking the time to comment Lebo! It definitely takes a village to raise a child and when you are sick during pregnancy it gets hard… but in the end it’s all worth it! Thank you for reading my blog! Have a fabulous evening! Xxx
I’m currently going through the same thing.. I feel so alone and I cry almost every day, my thoughts are not positive but I want to get better ..
Where do I get help? Should I just speak to my gynae?
Hi Mpho,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time. How many weeks pregnant are you? Please know that you are not alone and that it will get better. Yes, the best option is to speak to your gynea. If needed they can put you on a mild anti-depressant. You don’t have to struggle like this! You can also speak to your GP – they will also be able to help. Most importantly: Get help!!! It’s not just going to get better or go away.
Please let me know how you are doing?
Sending you lots of love. Xxx
I went through through the same thing with my youngest. I recognized my depression as I’d been treated for depression in my 20s, although I haven’t had a problem in years. It got to the point where I’d fantasize about driving my pregnant self into oncoming traffic. I was just so overwhelmed. That’s when I knew I was in trouble. I went on a mild antidepressant until my healthy baby was a year old (with prenatal depression there is a very increased risk of postnatal depression which stays at its highest for a year after birth) I had no problems going off the medication and have been great ever since. My little girl turned 2 this week. Good on you for getting the help you need. Now you will be able to enjoy all the special moments that lie ahead for you and your little one. Sending love and light your way. 🌼
Hi Michelle, thank you so much for telling me your story. I must admit that the past few months I have been in a dark place. And it’s extremely difficult to describe it to someone or even just talk about it… but just like you I realised that I needed help. I just knew that I was not going to survive to next few months – feeling like this. Thoughts of self harm flashed through my mind on a daily basis… I didn’t know that with prenatal depression theres a increased risk of postnatal depression but I was worried that I won’t be able to be a “good” mom to MInki and the new baby because I’m feeling so “down.”
But at least I got help and I’m doing a lot better… Still a long way to go…
So happy to hear you also “survived” and that you are a happy Mom! And congratulations with your little girl’s birthday! They just get cuter by the day! Enjoy every moment! Xxx
Wow… I have not yet read a blog post which resonated as much with me than this one. I am 4 weeks away from my expected due date of my 2nd baby and I’m awake most nights due to absolute body discomfort and mounting feelings of fear and anxiety. Thank you for speaking your truth.
Hi Ulricke. I’m glad that the post resonated with you. It was very difficult for me to press publish on this one because it’s so personal and in a way humiliating. Telling the world that you are not always happy and sometimes struggling is hard. And I just felt that prenatal depression is not something anybody talks about.. it’s frowned upon. but it happened to me and I wanted to share my journey, maybe helping one other person along the way. I really hope you feel better soon. Please remember that you are not alone. I ended up taking a mild anti depressant and it did wonders for me. Also acknowledging that I feel the way I feel and not beating myself up about it. And in retrospect I can tell you that when that baby is born, all the anxiety and worry will disappear.
Good luck and let me know how you are doing! Xxx