I’m sitting here, writing while tears are streaming down my face… Maybe it’s the hormones, maybe I’m just overwhelmed. Or maybe it’s the fear.
Most of you know by now that I’m pregnant. 12 weeks pregnant! Feels kinda unreal typing it, but its true (according to my gynaecologist, blood tests, 2 sonars and an endless amount of pregnancy sticks).
So why am I crying? Apart from the huge hormonal change, I’m paralysed by fear: My first pregnancy I suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum (extreme, crippling nausea).
The moment I found out I was pregnant my first thought was I can’t do this again. I know I was supposed to be happy, to be overjoyed but I was paralysed with fear. I can’t. I can’t do 280 days of constant vomiting. Laying in a dark room for most of the day. Stop working. Stop seeing people. How am I going to take care of Minki? How will I explain this constant, crippling nausea to her?
How will I explain to her that this shadow of a human being is her once crazy but happy Mama???
Knowing how sick I was last time, to go through the absolute torture again.
A Million thoughts rattled through my mind, the fear overshadowed the joy by far.
When I was almost 6 months pregnant with Minki, I fell into a deep and dark hole of depression because of hyperemesis gravidarum. I felt like I had nothing left, except wishing the days (and myself) away. It was truly the most difficult time of my entire life. Caitlin Dean, from The Spewing Mummy says it best:
“It’s putting yourself through the absolute torture that is hyperemesis all over again. It’s the knowing just how sick you will be and remembering the constant torture of nausea night and day for 280 days. The weight loss and feelings of malnutrition and dehydration and the dizziness, headaches and pain that those cause. It’s the knowledge that the drugs only help a bit really and that most of them have side effects that are almost as unpleasant as the vomiting anyway.”
So I prayed… I got down on my knees, crying like a little baby and I prayed. I begged God to please please please do not let me get this sick this time round. I just can’t deal with it again. I just cannot.
But today, now, 12 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 and its going okay. I’m still unbelievably scared. Don’t’ get me wrong! I break out in cold sweat every time I get nauseous and start hyperventilating. I think that this time the nausea is here to stay, it won’t go away and this will be my life for the next 6 months.
I use the drugs and the side effects are horrible. But it helps a little bit… I still fear that I’m missing out on Minki’s daily life. That I will miss out on my sisters wedding. That hubby won’t be able to cope with all the extra responsibilities.
But it’s NOT like last time. It’s NOT constant. I can survive this. Maybe I can actually even do this?
To be honest up until now it has not felt real because I’m just fighting the nausea. But the other day I saw baby’s tiny legs kicking away in my womb. For the first time I felt like maybe, just maybe everything is going to be all right.
And even though being pregnant with Minki was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I will do it again in the blink of an eye, I will choose hyperemesis again, if she’s the prize at the end of all the vomiting.
And when times are hard, running to the bathroom, vomiting, not eating, feeling super depressed then I just need to imagine that a little personality is growing inside me and that one day, he will make me laugh just as hard as Minki is making me laugh Now. Every. Single. Day (even throughout the nausea).
IT’s a cliché but in the end it’s all worth it.
XOXO
Helene (& Minki) and a teeny tiny baby.
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Ah congrats on the new little one! And thinking and praying for you to get through this pregnancy!
Thank you Heather! I’m super excited, but so afraid of being so sick again… Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. Have a lovely day Heather. Xxx
Dear Auntie Helene hope your pregnancy goes well hope to hear the gender soon lots of love from the Van Rooyens from Ben
Hi Ben (and all the Van Rooyens),
Thank you so much for your super sweet message Ben. I’m doing okay this time round, still a little bit sick. I will let you know the gender as soon as we know! Can’t wait to see you guys!
Xxxxxxx
Congratulations! I wish you all the best on your journey.
Thank you so much for the kind wishes Ronnae! 🙂
Love your blog! Congratulations on baby No 2. I was in the same boat as you not too long ago…lets just say the vomitting only stopped the day I met our son. I know its hard and scary but you will forget all the fears and nausea once you hold him or her and when Minki meets baby for the first time and you will be amazed how your love just multiplies….so Minki will be more than just ok. Blessings for this amazing journey ahead! X
Aaa dankie Eloise! Ek het so nodig gehad om jou boodskap vandag te lees… Ek was laasweek in hospitaal en vandag weer so siek… Ek weet eerlikwaar nie hoe ek hierdie weer ‘n keer gaan oorleef nie. En dan die skuldgevoelens boonop dat ek nie genoeg aandag aan Minki gee nie, want ek voel te siek.. Aaklige tyd, maar dit help om te weet ek is nie alleen nie! Dankie!! 🙂
As a mommy who has just gotten to the end of her 2nd HG journey (and now my tubes are tied, so never again), even if it does happen (and we pray you won’t), you will get through it. It was mentally and emotionally harder the 2nd time as I knew what I was in for, unlike the 1st when you keep hoping it will end. I also had it worse this last time which made it physically harder. My hubby and son (22 months when HG hit) was amazing , but my son is happy to have his mama back. He has already forgiven me being away in hospital and not having energy to play. I also found a wonderful support group on fb that helped me through. Good luck mama. We keep hoping this will be a non-hg pregnancy for you, but regardless, you and your family have a blessing on the way and that not even hg can take away.
Hi San-Marie,
I’m reading your story and I’m crying… I just had the most horrible day and was in hospital last week for 3 days… I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this again… Reading your story gives me a little bit of hope, that I desperately need right now. Thank you.
Thank you for this post, it’s my biggestest fear and maybe why I don’t want to think of No. 2 yet! 22 weeks of being sick was torture but as you say the prize is worth it!
Congrats and good luck!
Hi Lindy, I’m glad if this post could help you even just a little bit. I don’t think anyone can understand the horror of hyperemesis if you have not been through it yourself… I was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday so I’m sick again and I truly don’t know how I’m going to get through this again… Just thinking about the prize is all that keeps me going.
Congratulations on you pregnancy.
I read this post with tears in my eyes because it took me back to my pregnancies. I can totally relate. Just the other day I told someone about how I get emotional and all teary eyed when I think about my pregnancies. And how I cried each and every day while my husband just stood there helpless. It’s something I try to block out because it was a very dark time for me. But, I chose it 3 times and it was worth it.
Thank you so much Juwayra! It truly is a difficult time for me… At least I realised I needed help (Finally) and now I’m feeling a little bit better… It’s so hard to feel so helpless, wanting to feel better desperately but just feeling horrible every single day. It was a very dark time, but I’m beginning to see light at the end of a very dark tunnel… But as you said.. in the end it’s all worth it…
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! Have a fabulous evening! Xxx